Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.