My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
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The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Lol #dogsoftwitter
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.