@iAmDelFreaky

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

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@patnspankme

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

@fro_vo

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

@Izianikapani

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

@confusedlush

People who try to prepare for the end of the world are obviously misunderstanding the core concept.

@TheBeerGuy73

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

@freypalm

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

@DonQuickoats

I don’t even know how my dog can even think how I might fall for the notion someone else tore apart my shoe

@KeetPotato

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”