*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
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IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP