Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
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If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.