Still a very good boi….
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*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I only treason on days ending in y
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”