Still a very good boi….
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My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
smh
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”