Still a very good boi….
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Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
The pen is writier than the sword.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.