Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

Smallpox sounds so adorable

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me