Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

went fishing caught a bass

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.