Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

adam and eve had first world problems

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

then why did i get this email

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that