still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
You Might Also Like
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them