still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape