Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
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My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
A short story of betrayal:
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
BRAKING NEWS!!
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir