Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
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Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
What flavor cupcake are these
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.