still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better