Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
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I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Covid like
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.