Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.