Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
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When you’ve simply given up.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Found the job I’m suited for
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.