Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
You Might Also Like
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Food gives you energy to nap more.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
no one ever comes back
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
This is me 🤣🤣
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.