Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

Me too

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

Fat chances are my favorite chances

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut: