Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
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I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH