Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
thanks auntie mary
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire