Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
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My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?