Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

We found love in a hopeless place.

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

What personal space?

My dog

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

#oldknees

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.