Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
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I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you