Still cracks me up
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.