Still cracks me up
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[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.