Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

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Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.


Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa


Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!


Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆


Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.


chick-fil-a employee: it is my pleasure to serve you

me: [out of breath] how are you so good at tennis