Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about