Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is “why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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Me: Can I please sleep?
Brain: No. Now sing Mambo #5 again.
Me: But I hate that song!
Brain: I don’t give a shit!
Me: 1, 2, 3-4-5…
Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn’t graduate college.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
OBAMA: I’m resigning
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
ME: woud u be open to adoption?
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption