@AsgardianRose

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

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@jazmasta

Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is “why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?”

@ComedicBust

Me: Can I please sleep?

Brain: No. Now sing Mambo #5 again.

Me: But I hate that song!

Brain: I don’t give a shit!

Me: 1, 2, 3-4-5…

@Parker_Simpson

Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn’t graduate college.

@POTerritory

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

@SICKOFWOLVES

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

@Darlainky

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

@goldengateblond

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

@ericonederful

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

@Gupton68

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

@jonnysun

ME: woud u be open to adoption?
HUSBAND: yes
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption