Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
that de-escalated quickly
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.