Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
😂😂
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂