Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting