Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

Green is just blue that someone peed in

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.