Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
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This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like