Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

Social distancing in Australia:

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something