Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

Eating for two.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

that’s really how it is

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated