*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
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ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
sry
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
“I FIXED IT!”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No