Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
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just left a huge legacy in there
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.