Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
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Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
