Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy