Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
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Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”