Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
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I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
(yawn)
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.