Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
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Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
No laws when master is gone
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”