Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.