Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
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Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
With a text.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!