Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
You Might Also Like
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
The glockness monster
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?