Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
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I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
mandolin: finally a violin for men
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Cat or sheep
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
“You’d better run, egg!”
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
i hope this email finds you fast and furious