Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
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A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Just did a big green poo by a canal
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?