Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.