Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]