Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.