still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
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I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
My Sentiments Exactly
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..