still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
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My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up