Still laughing at this stupid meme
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victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.