Still laughing at this stupid meme
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Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them