Still laughing at this stupid meme
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Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
The happy life.. 😊
reduce, reuse, recycle
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house