Still laughing at this stupid meme
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I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My plans: 2020:
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*fills out form*
*clicks “send me a copy”*
email: *dings*
me: ooh what’s that
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”