Still laughing at this stupid meme
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Good boy 😂😂
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over