Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
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I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ