Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
You Might Also Like
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped