Still my favorite headline of all time:
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Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
these can’t be my only options
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
😾
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.