Still my favorite headline of all time:
You Might Also Like
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.