Still my favorite headline of all time:
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Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
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