Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Phonetics
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Oh my god
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying