Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”