Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.