Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
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Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.