Still my favourite meme.
You Might Also Like
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
best first i’ve ever seen
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?