Still my favourite meme.
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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.