Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
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😂🍻
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer