Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
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Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.