Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

Just why bro?!

what are they serving at kfc then???

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”